Emotions, I sometimes wish that I did not have them as I am sure life would in some ways be easier. After a long time of being down I fully embraced the up and lost myself completely in it but also found myself and my strengths. My writing flowed and my brain was active and working even though a bit foggy at times with the M E but I flourished in all the new thoughts and adventures. Ideas for writing would just pop into my head not always welcome at two in the morning but hey they were coming so all was good. My blog was growing, I built my website and I could look back and think, ‘I am actually happy now’ I may be on my own but it’s good, I enjoy the freedom and choice of making my own decisions when and where I liked. I started meeting my friends again, being social and loving the fun we had just from going out to lunch. I can honestly say that in some ways my friends saved me from the place I was drowning in. I went on holiday with friends but actually travelled out there alone my strength was returning and I felt so good. My love of my grandchildren never wavered and our outings returned and grew, such fun we had; I had missed that but never realised. How good is the up, too good to put into words and it carries you through the dips.
Then you hit the down, you don’t realise at first it just creeps up and up and then it’s got you. Many things have triggered it, you can see them after as they build up and then consume you. The writing stops, there is no reason to get up, why get dressed it just makes more washing, why eat it’s an effort to cook. You build a front for others they cannot see beyond, friends talk and life goes on but you just die inside yourself. Your medication is increased and you wait for it to work, the waiting is the hard part as you want to get back to the good place, can you get back there?